空空
碎碎念。Babble babble babble.
Emotionally intense.
Work undone.
Socially frustrated -- nothing big, but everything feels so bloody wrong.
The strange thing is I've never really been able to know what it is like for everything to be on track, even at the best of times. Chaos is almost a pinciple, though a pathetically laughable one.
There was, for a while, a necessity of social numbness. One tired of the company that the place and people offered, and was raving mad for dull or foolish conversations. I find it hard to tolerate stupidity in conversation, and dullness is most definitely an unforgivable trait in the company I seek; but then, there lies my own stupidity and dullness, and I find them triply hard to bear. —— always believes that I'm a poor listener, and that I'm never able to accept different opions. I suppose the truth is that for ——, who has been trying to lord over me, think for me, tear my mind apart to pieces and put them back to fit ——'s own, I am constantly rebellious, fighting hard, long, bitter battles with ——, and our values and ideas differ in such ways that I cannot find it in me not to fight, when —— tries to control me. J says I'm of the most unpredictable disposition she has ever encountered -- but then she loves me, and sort of means it as a compliment. Surprisingly objective, though, is J's opinion of me. She told me once that she could often feel the urge and quiet power that lie beneath my tranquility, the Alpha female sort of thing, and she wondered at my never actually acting like one. The simple fact is: I don't.
Because I hate disputes like a hot rash.
Also because I'm really, really afraid of being disliked. It shouldn't matter, but it does. The constant guilt that haunts me has been there for years, and there's the tendency to believe everything to be my fault. —— would never believe this because I hardly ever apologize in front of ——，even if I am to blame. But guilt is eating me, slowly and constantly, for every little thing I've perhaps done wrong, or have just taken the blame because it's become a sort of habit anyway.
（不知道为什么又想切换回中文了）
现在的状态很微妙。我花了快要二十年，还是没有学会怎么控制愤怒，和父亲一样的脾气——可以在多数人会牢骚抱怨甚至跳脚怒骂的时候淡定如初，心平静气，不计较也不发火，微笑了事，以至不深交的人都会认为脾气非常非常好——但一旦真的动怒，便不可收拾，庞培古城被火山毁于一旦（比喻也证明了为人非常drama queen，这种情况下总要夸张一点）。
所以现在根本不敢生气。以前也不敢。毁灭性的下场，不是没有教训。
爱和恨的态度则差别很大。不敢轻易讨厌别人（同样会本能觉得是自己哪里有问题，即使理智上明白并非如此），因为一旦生成厌恶便是刻骨的、难以消除的黑暗。其实爱也本应如此——会倾尽全力的事情总该珍惜一点——但实际上，爱是唯一能自由给予的东西，所以大把挥霍。
因此才会有上面说的社交麻痹——几个月的时间都是把真正感情完全收起来状态，连追星的浮躁文字也都是浮于表面，正如所需。
也不知道自己写了什么。反正这个博客没人看啦。
inner desire that secretly craves attention?
What a pompous fool you are, AnYi.